This mess we're in
by Hyperballad
Summary: A story of love, friendship and mistaken identities during the Silver Millenium. Features Rei, Usagi and Minako as the leading characters. A shoujo ai romance. Chapter 6 up!
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon. Enough said.

A/N: I hope you enjoy the story. It will feature Usagi/Rei/Minako and a very confused Hotaru. 

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It was a very peaceful day in the Silver Millennium. Mamoru almost started skipping down the little garden path, the only thing stopping him the long training he received as the Earth's prince. He knew he should look dignified and benign and all the things princes were suppose too, but it was very difficult at this moment. After all... princes in love were no different then other men in love.

And he was so much in love! "With the most wonderful girl of all", he thought. Her beauty was only surpassed by the gentleness of her manner, by the goodness that shined in her eyes and the flashes of a peculiar mix of innocence and mischievousness he saw every time she smiled. The best thing of all was that she was already his! He couldn't believe his luck when he saw her, the girl he was betrothed to from birth. "I guess fate is on my side", he said at loud with a smile.

There she was... Usagi. Her long silver hair cascading down her back, in that funny hairstyle of hers that only made her more endearing. Her eyes were cornflower blue, but there were no cornflowers on moon and she only looked puzzled when he said that. The vegetation here looked like something out of a fairytale, tall, elegant and slender, but he recognized almost nothing here. He favored that of earth, even tough its beauty could not compare. Mamoru loved all things natural, but the wild and untamed look of earth's forest was what he loved. He guessed that was the same thing that drew him to Usagi.

Finally lifting his gaze from his lady love, he noticed she wasn't alone. By her side sat Ami, one of her Senshi protectors. He didn't know them very well; he met them only a few times, and all of those were formal occasions so he didn't speak with them. He didn't know Usagi much better, he had to admit, but that wasn't a problem - he fell in love with her at first sight. She was a beautiful and gentle princess, with good breeding and impeccable manners, and cute too...  What else mattered, anyway? 

Then he noticed Usagi's expression. She looked dreamy and had a far away look in her eyes... He'd never seen her like this (in all of the 4 times he saw her). It looked good on her, and he would approach her then and there if he hadn't heard her voice. She was reading something, but he couldn't quite understand the words from where he was standing - he only heard her tone. And it was so strange! It had a desperate quality too it, sounding almost ragged from the force of emotions that coursed through it. It sounded very vulnerable too and he was sure his princess would never be like that in front of him, so he crept closer trying to hear what she was saying.

It seemed she was reciting a poem, and he listened very carefully to what she was saying:

_To a raven haired maiden,_

_A certain stranger,_

_You walked, with the sun_

_Dancing upon your hair,_

_Hair that is like __midnight__.___

_With hair to your waist_

_The sun performed_

_Its dazzling light show.___

_Winter's gray reign careless _

_Her violet eyes miss the sky _

_And I laugh to disguise my loneliness _

And so it went, on and on, each verse sounding more desperate, until finally the tears started flowing down her cheeks... But never once did she stop talking. Mamoru could feel her feverish need, to somehow let out all the emotions that seemed to suffocate her. 

The prince was stunned. He never imagined such depths to Usagi - he never imagined such depths to anyone. Raised in the earth's court, surrounded by gallant and glamorous relationship, he had never heard anything like this, and he realized he didn't feel for her like that. He never felt like that in his life, and looking at Usagi, he wasn't sure he wanted too. 

But he knew one thing - he had to help her get what she wanted.

But what was that? Raven hair and purple eyes was all he had to go on, as he wasn't fool enough to let Usagi know he heard this, that he intruded on such a private moment. He tried listening some more, in hope he could get more clues, and true enough, his endeavors were rewarded when Ami spoke for the first time:

"You've got to tell her Usagi, you just have to. You can't go on like this, and you shouldn't - you deserve to be happy more then anyone else I know."

"Perhaps my friend, perhaps... But... I would only be rejected, and then I would feel so much worse... I look at her all the time, and I try to pick up any subtle hints or ANYTHING in her words, but there is nothing. She is my protector, like you are, and she loves me as a friend and as her princess, but she doesn't see me as a woman. I don't even know if she likes women. She's always so mysterious and serious and silent, I hardly know anything about her. And yet I still love her... And cannot stop... ", said Usagi, her sobs interrupting her words and becoming louder and louder.

Tears of sympathy in her big blue eyes, Ami took her princess's hand and spoke softly but firmly:

"Then you have to win her heart. You can't just sit and pine away, and anyway you are not like that. I am a coward, Usagi, and will probably never be loved back - but you are not like that. You are usually so brave and honest with your emotions - don't be like this when it's most important for your future. Your mother would never force you to marry against your wishes, but there still is the matter of the engagement...  You have to tell her the truth. You can't lead the Earth's prince on; you saw how enchanted with you he was."

Mamoru decided he liked this Ami - everything she said was reasonable and true, and although only his pride was hurt, he still wished he knew Usagi loved someone else sooner. But he would heal, he already felt better - he had a mission! He would be Usagi's knight, and connect her to the one she loved - the violet eyed, raven haired Senshi.

But which one was that?

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	2. Chapter 1

A/N:  The ages for the Senshi and Mamoru:

            Usagi – 20

            Rei and Makoto – 23

            Minako and Ami – 24

            Hotaru – 18

            Haruka and Michiru – 27

            Setsuna – ?

            Mamoru - 25

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They were making her wear the dress again. The pink, fluffy, trimmed with lace and oh so cute dress. She was the Senshi of Death and Destruction, and her parents still made her wear pink. And because of what? Because some petty earth noble suddenly decided to pay her a visit with no apparent reason? Hotaru sighed. It was going to be a long day.

She walked the way to the library with a causal pace, her curiosity battling with her irritation. It was more appropriate to have guests at her garden, where there were pretty flowers and sun and everything was bright, then in some dreary musty old library... But ever since she turned 18 and had at least some shred of liberty, Hotaru didn't do pretty. Well, except the dress. The things one had to do for family peace...

Her violet eyes fixed on the library door, she wondered if the prince was as silly as all the other men at court were. And most of the women. And some of the children too... Wearing all kinds of ridiculous things to attract attention, making fools of themselves with empty sentences and flattery and trying to out best each other with it. There were perhaps a dozen people in this system that had her respect and admiration... And eight of them were her fellow Senshi.

'Well... Let's meet the man that find's himself worthy of Usagi', she thought. Maybe she should give him a fair chance. She peeked through the door to catch a glimpse of him and took notice of the ornate and impractical jacket he wore, that just screamed money.

He is a fool, after all.

                                                                                              *          *          *

Mamoru shifted in his seat nervously. Why was she making him wait this long? He was royalty, after all. Well, so was she. But that's why she should know better!  Usagi deserves someone who doesn't make people wait this long, he thought sulkily.

And he was in such a good mood, before. It took him all of 5 minutes to find who was Usagi's lady love; as the Saturn princess's file was the first one he pulled out. It could be no one else – black hair, purple eyes (or raven hair and violet eyes, as the poem went, but he wasn't feeling so poetic anymore)... Mysterious and serious too – what could be more serious then the Senshi of Destruction, after all?

Finally, she walked in. As he took her appearance in, at first he was certain he was mistaken. She was in a pink dress his 11 years old cousin would consider herself to old to wear, all lacey and as girly as it gets. This couldn't be Usagi's serious mysterious type, could it?

But when he saw her eyes, he knew that it could. Her eyes were dark and large, serious and deep, and held contempt for the world well beyond her years. She was beautiful, with her pale pale skin and dark hair (which wasn't waist long, but maybe she cut it? women and their hair, who would know...). All the Senshi were beautiful, or so he heard. But there was something about her he found disturbing. Scary even (and the pink dress didn't help). It was strange to Mamoru that the sunny moon princess would pick someone like that.

'But love is love, I suppose, and you can't choose who you fall in love with... Be it male or female, cute or creepy', he thought with a sigh. This is not going to be easy.

                                                                                                          *          *          *

What on earth was this man talking about? He must be crazier than he looks, and that's saying a lot.

He started with the meaningless pleasantries about the weather, the latest courts rumors and such. She indulged him and answered all of his questions politely, but she couldn't quite hide the irritation from her voice, or the fact she thought the whole conversation useless. Hotaru badly wanted to just tell him to shut up and ask the reason for his visit, but he was obviously the kind of man who talks a lot, and she would never hear the end of it if the word got to her parents. So she nodded, and listened, and listened.

Then all of the sudden he stood up, and started pacing the room. Although the girl was grateful for the quiet, he looked so nervous it was starting to infect her too. This was impossible! 'Well, I'll TRY to be tactful... ', she lied to herself, before she went on to say:

"This visit was most... pleasant, and I've enjoyed your company immensely, but pray tell kind sir: what exactly brings you to my library?" 

"It is... Not easy to say. Hotaru-hime... Do you find Usagi-hime beautiful?" the prince said, stopping his pacing.

"It is none of your business what I think of my friend and princess. Have you come to me to help you woo her? Then you are seriously mistaken – I have

no interest in such frivolous activities. Try Minako, she lives for that sort of thing. Are we done?" she answered, not even bothering to hide her exasperation anymore. 

"I see I caught you in a bad mood, milady. I shall go now – but I really think you should talk to Usagi-hime. She is not well, and you might be the only one who could help her". 

With those words he turned and left, red in the face and glaring at her all the way to the door. "It's not a bad mood, it's just me", Hotaru mumbled. Still... What was wrong with Usagi? What on earth was that weird man talking about?

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A/N: This is my first try at fanfiction, and I would really appreciate the feedback... To improve the story and let me know that someone's reading it. ;)


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: This one is from Usagi's POV.

Excerpts from the diary of Princess Serenity:

*           *         *

I'm afraid of today. Ami said I'm not a coward, but she is wrong. If I am so terrified of meeting my mother, whom I know she loves me, and the Prince of Earth, whom I barely know... How can I ever confess my feelings to the one who is the most important person in the world for me now?

I will not speak of my love now, for even my diary must be tired of that. Oh my poor diary, you drank so man tears, and heard so many of my pathetic rambles; is it even too much for you? But I must speak to someone, and I can't take advantage of my dear Ami too much.... Too often as it is I'm so afraid my mask will slip, and that I can wear that smile no more...

And what would happen then? If they all knew my innocence was long gone, and my faith in the world and justice almost non-existent? My mother would be broken, and the trust of people in the royal line of Moon would be put to the test. The peace and harmony that rule this system now are much more important than the sanity and happiness of its Princess, so my mask must never fall.

In fifteen minutes I will be summoned to my beloved mother. I can't tell her of my love toward my protector. I don't think she would expressly forbid it, but I'm sure she wouldn't approve... And I can't take it right now. Look at Haruka and Michiru! How difficult they made it for them, doubting that their relationship will interfere with their duties and that they will put each other before the security of the Outer Planets. How much more doubts would they have of a relationship between a princess and a senshi?

*          *         *

The talk with my mother was as difficult as I've expected to be. She asked me a lot of questions I didn't have answers too, and I think she suspects I'm not telling her everything. 

I will write down a part of out conversation to demonstrate:

"Serenity dear... My dearest Usagi... You've made it perfectly clear you do not desire to marry Prince Mamoru, but you still haven't given me a reason for this sudden change! This marriage would benefit both kingdoms so much, and Mamoru is such a well behaved and handsome boy. I want you to be happy, and would never force you to do anything you didn't want... But you must tell me why! "

I was silent for a long time. I could see she really had high hopes for this marriage, and I didn't want to disappoint her, but this had to be done. I decided she deserved at least some of the truth.

"Because I don't love him, mother."

"Love is a strange and comes in many forms, my daughter. Are you so sure you could never love him?"

There was a heavy silence in the air this time, and her look felt as if she was trying to read my soul. I really loved my mother; and she was a just and compassionate ruler, but she always knew what the right thing was, and always made the correct decisions. She never let her emotions get in the way of it, and that was what made her the greatest Queen ever, celebrated everywhere where there was life. I don't think she would understand that I may be... Weaker. That for me, that was too difficult.

I had to destroy any hopes she might have left about this union, but I just couldn't tell her I love someone else! So I just said, with as much conviction in my voice as I could muster at that moment:

"I will never love him mother, I am sure. I…Don't like men like that. It is something I've discovered only recently; or I would have told you sooner… But this marriage can never happen".

"Well... This is a relief. For a moment I feared something much worse. Don't worry, Usagi – there are many suitable and desirable princesses through this system, and I'm sure one of them would catch your liking. It's only too bad that Mamoru doesn't have a sister!"

And that was that. But still, as I made my way to my rooms, her look stayed with me, probing, searching.

*          *         *

The talk with Prince Mamoru… I mean Mamoru, went extremely well. I fell so lighter now! I expected him to act wounded, and I knew his ego would suffer. Or maybe something even more? As Ami said, he did seem very much enchanted with me, and perhaps he even fell in love with me? But I just couldn't see how that could have happened, as we hardly knew each other. In other hand… As Hotaru would say, men could be fools. Who knew?

When I saw him, my chest tightened. He seemed so … happy, and glad to be here. And I had to do this to him?

Soon it turned out I was mistaken. He didn't seem at all surprised when I stumblingly told him I didn't want to marry him, he even seemed satisfied. I guess all that 'in love' behavior earlier was just for show, as was mine.  But what really shocked me was this:

"Usagi-hime… I can tell you are going through rough times right now. I really like you – as a person, as a friend. So I would like to offer you my friendship, and any help I can too you. We were obviously never meant to be husband and wife, but that was probably for the best. We can be honest with each other now… We could be friends."

Maybe this Mamoru really isn't this shallow as I thought! And maybe… I'll take him up on his offer. It seemed sincere.

*          *         *

It seems today is the day for strange events. Hotaru came to visit me! That is a bit strange even to itself; as Hotaru usually prefers for me to come to her... She, as all the Outers, hates coming to the Palace, and dread all the pomp and ceremony that rules here. It was hammered into me from birth, but I still agree with her – but I don't have another place to go. Not another planet, not another palace. Nowhere to escape...

Anyway, what was really strange was that she apparently came for no reason other than to ask me if I'm feeling alright! Those words sounded unnatural coming from her mouth, and she looked even more uncomfortable saying it, so I had to try really hard not to laugh. I lied with practiced ease, and she left very soon, as soon I've assured her everything is right in the world for me.

I just can't get over how alike and how different they are. Their eyes are almost the exact same color, as is their hair but for the highlights... They are both slender and seem deceptively fragile, and so serious and wise beyond their years. But here, all the likeness stopped. Hotaru's eyes were deep dark pools of calm, and for me they were more like Setsuna's then... hers. 

My love's eyes were calm only on the surface, but you look a second too long, and there is current of fire there, a scream of emotions so strong I have to look away. Her violet is vibrant and alive, and I can see how much more there is to her… So much more… And she lets know one in close enough to see it.

Where Hotaru's hair is slick and shiny and frames her face perfectly… My love's hair is a living breathing creature, moving with a life of its own, and... It's enough. It's enough.

I think I should stop now.

Even her name is like a prayer to me… My Rei. 

*          *         *

A/N: I know this story is moving a little slowly, but want you to get to know the characters, and create a setting for story as it develops. I thank you for you patience. J

Special thanks to the people who reviewed:

EPM, Balticbard, and ShadowClub.

This story will be Rei/Usagi, but it will be Rei/Minako too, and even I am not yet sure how it will finish. I still hope you enjoy the ride.

I turned off the 'no anonymous reviews' options, so now everyone can review – even if you have no fanfiction.net account or you're just to lazy to log in. ;)

Next chapter: Minako comes into the story! 


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: I guess I never mentioned this before, but: 

        Speech "blah"

        Thought: 'blah'

        That's all you need. ;)

        I hope you enjoy this chapter.

*          *          *

"Princess Minako? Yeah, I know of her. Who doesn't? She is the glamour girl of the Silver Millennium. Trend setter, heart breaker, intrigue and gossip, all that. And a looker too..."

Said a guy he caught in the streets.

"You're looking for Minako-hime? Well, she's probably in the Venus Palace at the complex, of course. I hope she can live with herself after what's she's done to Lord Ivan. Toying with men like that... Destroying their lives... That is no way for a proper lady to behave. Well, she is a Senshi, and all that, so you really can't expect her to be a lady after all..."

The jealousy of the random court lady Mamoru picked upon was oozing from her words. Mamoru had a feeling she envied Princess Venus's way with men more then disapproved it.

The last person he asked gave the most intriguing peace of information, although one not relevant to his cause. It was a very old woman, now Head of Staff of the Main Palace, but she used to be a maid at the Venus Palace.

"I know what other people told you about her. You must think her empty and shallow, but... She wasn't always like that. She became this... bubbly and... Silly I guess... After the tragedy.

You can still see the remains of what she used to be like in her work. She is the leader of the inner Senshi, you know. And she does an excellent job. "

And then she hurried after her work, before Mamoru had a chance to ask about 'the tragedy'. Filing that information for later, he made his way to the Venus Palace.

*          *          *

No libraries this time, thank god. As the earth's prince, he was a very educated man, and enjoyed books, but there was nothing like spring… Be it on Earth or Moon. And the garden here was really unbelievable – all the plants seemed to be foreign, and were strange, colorful and wonderful. His educated guess was that they were Venusian, and he had no idea how they grew in the Moon's much colder climate. Might be magic... It was rare on earth, but he knew other planets had less inhibition about using it. 

But there was one part of the garden that stood out. Compared to the explosion of colors and forms everywhere else, it looked calm and subdued. Still, it had a beauty of its own, and it mesmerized him. He was reminded of the old woman's words, and he wondered if it represented what Minako used to be.

*          *         *

She stood naked, with a look of distaste upon her face. The girl in the mirror was so lucky; she had wonderful golden hair flowing freely, a glowing cloud around her face. Her eyes were an incredible blue, clear and large. They could be seductive or innocent and pure; but at this moment they projected bitterness. 

Her skin was colored white of snow, white of frozen cream; but not as flawless as the rest of her. There were streaks of red marring her forearms and stomach; ugly, angry crimson slashes. The girl's fingers slowly traced the lines, picking at the scabs and sometimes making more blood come out. She hissed with pain when she touched the fresh one on her arm, and it was almost enough, but she could still remember; still FEEL other things beside this simple physical pain... And that could not be allowed.

A glint of cold metal appeared in her hand and another line of red suddenly stood out against the creamy, tender skin of her belly. A brief flash of pain, followed by an insistent throbbing drove out all other thoughts out of her head and the girl just stood there for a time, shivering. 

Concentrating on the throbbing, she barely heard the soft knocking on her big wooden door.

Perfectly aware she couldn't ignore it, she answered softly: "Yes?"

"You have a guest, Princess Minako. It's the Earth's Prince, and he's waiting for you at the garden. What should I tell him?"

Already looking for a clean cloth to clean up, she told the maid to tell the Prince she will see him. He might prove to be a welcome distraction. Anything or anyone would be a welcome distraction, right about now.

Suddenly, the girl reappeared in the mirror, wearing a yellow summer dress and a smile, and the change was complete. Here was Minako; beautiful and without a care in the world. She never wore sleeveless gowns, though.

*          *         *

Mamoru held his breath as this exquisite creature came floating down the path. She was so like Usagi! They could easily pass as sisters, maybe even twins... But as she came closer, he saw the likeness was not so great. Everything about Usagi somehow looked softer and frailer, although the girls were the same size. 

The difference was not so much in their built or their facial characteristics; it was in the way they carried themselves. Usagi made you want to protect her, and everything about her seemed chaste. Minako made you want to throw yourself at her feet and worship her. She was not vulgar, but she was... Sensual. That was the right word. 

She extended her delicate arm with a regal motion, and it seemed only natural for him to bow and kiss it. 

'So this was the leader of the Senshi? This feminine, elegant creature? Will all of them surprise me so? Princess Serenity, Princess Mercury, Princes Saturn... Princess Venus. I know they are brave, tough and completely dedicated to their duty. Everybody knows they keep the system safe. So how could they be...? These women...  So different from each other, yet so feminine and impressive? 'His inner monologue was interrupted by a subtle cough coming from the Princess.

"Prince Mamoru... I didn't expect to meet you so soon, but I am glad. As Princess Serenity's guardian and close friend, I am very curious about you." Her voice was sweet and friendly, and instantly put him at ease.

"That is one of the reasons I came to see you. The announcement of out engagement was not official in the first place; although it was often mentioned and certainly hoped for by our parents. Serenity is now old enough to choose for herself... And I am not her choice."

Mamoru watched closely for her reaction. She didn't really seem surprised, which he half expected – gossip spread quickly and this girl was notorious for it. But she also seemed saddened by it. He almost couldn't tell, but still... Her smile was just a little bit less wide and her eyes a little bit duller.

This reaction confused him, but still he continued:

"It seems my gender is not her choice, either. She definitely likes girl. And she is in love with one now."

Her voice sounded weary as she answered. 

"I see. I am sorry for your loss...  But I'm afraid I still don't understand why you came here".

"I care for Princess Serenity, and I want her to be happy. I want her to get what she wants. She wants this girl, one of the Senshi, but the girl is stubborn, and has a temper. Usagi is afraid of rejection and hasn't said anything about her feelings so far."

"We never talked about any of this to me, but she told you all this??" Minako interrupted incredulously. 

The prince shifted in his seat, and there was a slight flush to his cheeks,

"Well... Not exactly. I overhead a conversation she had with Princess Mercury. She doesn't know I heard it. Please don't tell her! I really want to be her friend, and let her talk to me when she's ready. But I just can't sit around and wait... So I came to you for help. I heard you are and expert in romance."

*          *         *

Minako's whole world came crashing down on her. So everything she suspected was true. Of course it was; she was the Senshi of Venus, the goddess of Love, was she not? She should know these things; and she could help anyone but herself.

Usagi was very careful not to give herself away, but she spent as much time watching Rei as she did, so of course she noticed. Sweet Usagi just couldn't be as subtle and discrete as Minako, the Queen of Intrigue. And there was this strange feeling, this instinct that told her that Usagi loved Rei even if she knew nothing else.

She was her Princess. The one she was sworn to protect from everything. So to love the same woman as her Princess... To love Rei... Was the ultimate betrayal. 

This strange silent love triangle existed for almost 2 years now. Only, nobody but her knew it was a triangle. She was careful, and nobody noticed her feelings, and Rei seemed to be oblivious to either girl's love. Rei was so distant from anyone... As Mamoru said, difficult.

Minako knew that she could never say anything about her secret love. One more thing to hide along with all the rest; one more thing to ignore and distract herself from. She instinctively traced her cuts over the fabric of her dress, and then realized Mamoru was still there and apparently waiting for an answer. She took another few seconds to collect herself, but then he spoke again:

"Well? Will you help me get Usagi and Princess Saturn together?"

Her mind reeling and her heart beating incredibly fast, she stuttered: "Usagi a-and H-Hotaru? Are you sure?"

She almost stopped breathing while waiting for an answer. 

"Of course I'm sure! Usagi was very clear about it. Yes, it shocked me too, when I met her, but what can you do?"

Rei can be mine, she thought. She could be mine.

"Yes, I'll help. Usagi deserves to be happy."

'And maybe... So do I... Just once.'

*          *         *

A/N:  I didn't intend this chapter to have so much angst; but this is how it turned out. I'll be very glad to read your praise, criticism and comments on this one.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed: Cookie, Rami-chan, ConservErie, EPM, Strife3, summer_girl, Whiro, Hi, Cheshire, summers_2004, Tenkaichi and Ze. Hope to hear from you again. 

I see we have more Usagi/Rei fans then Minako/Rei so far. We shall see. :)

Next chapter: Rei.

Keep reading. ;)


	5. Chapter 4, part 1

_A/N: This is the first part of my 2-part Rei chapter. It can get a bit disorienting with all the flashbacks, but I hope you enjoy it. I'll probably upload the second part in 3 to 4 days, it's partially written._

_The Present_

Red. The endless sea of dust, waves of it rolling all the way to the horizon. Rei stood there, like a statue, her mass of shining raven locks dancing in the wind behind her. The sun was high; it's light at the same time sharp and cold.

A shadow extended all over the land, slowly enveloping the cliff she was standing on. The grass was singing with the wind, its color as red as everything else. The sun was low, starting to set. Rei stood there, immovable, her face unreadable and stony.

Dark. Everything was dark. The sun was gone, the knee high grass looked menacing, and it's singing no longer comforting. Nights on Mars were cruel, as almost everything here was. Here, life had to fight for its place under the sun. The fight was almost always lost too soon, and people's hearts grew as cold as the surface of the planet was. Rei still stood there, her dark wool cloak billowing behind her, her face unreadable.

But her eyes...

You could see everything in her eyes.

Although silent, Rei was screaming.

My granddaughter is a very stubborn young lady. So, as you see... Jadeite had his work cut out for him.

She grew up fast, my Rei. Everyone here did; but I guess she could be called a woman from the time she was 10. And I don't mean only physically, although she was always beautiful and graceful, but...

She never did anything stupid. Never had any dreams or fantasies... She always knew her destiny was to be queen of Mars, and her life was not her own. It didn't even belong to her people; and she was not free to promise herself to them completely. You see, she was in a unique situation. An only child, the only princess, the only heir... So her life belonged to her princess, Serenity. She was Mars's ruler only on paper; her cousin saw to all of the day-to-day affairs. Rikka did a good job, and I think it broke Rei's heart a little bit more... Not to be needed by her people.

So she threw herself in her Senshi duties. She tried to be best in everything, and trained for hours and hours after everyone else left. She never played, never made friends. Protecting the Princess was everything... Being best at it was her goal. When Rei turned 10, they held a competition that would choose the leader of the Senshi. She lost.

Princess Venus was better.

Rei's heart broke again... Not to be needed by her princess.

That was about the time her father left. That bastard was always power hungry, full of misguided ambitions. He tried changing the law on Mars, to inherit the throne. But the Head Priestess of that time declared that it was always the will of the Gods that only women rule Mars, and always will be. Then he just left, searching for his chance elsewhere.

That was all it took.

Rei was 10, all grown up, and emotionally dead.

_The past_

When Rei was 14, she wasn't beautiful. She was kind of pretty, and could be called cute when she wasn't wearing that famous scowl of hers on her face. Her hair was long, lush and shiny, all the way to her knees, and her eyes were an unusual and luminous violet. But they were too big for her face, as she was so very thin... Her body hasn't filled out yet, and her legs were not very womanly – more like two strings. All the rest of the senshi had already matured into glorious young women, but Princess Mars was physically still a little girl.

Her grandfather had a theory about why that was so. It wasn't just a case of Rei being a slow bloomer; and in some ways she was more mature and serious then most of girls her age. But deep inside, in her heart, Rei was still a hurt little girl with a strong resentment of the grown-ups that hurt her so much. It was like she refused to grow up with every cell of her body, every bony limb of her. She also refused to eat most of the time; subconsciously wanting to stop growing. And it worked – when she was 15, she looked worse then 14.

Queen Serenity noticed all of this and her heart ached for the poor Mars Princess. She tried acting like a mother towards her, but Rei never allowed their relationship to be anything more then official. The Moon Palace doctors started worrying about her condition, and ordered all kind of weird diets and hot springs for her. She just ignored it, and wasted away a little bit more.

Finally, there came a time when they didn't know what to do anymore, and in fear for her health and life sent her home. They hoped it would lift her spirits, or at least that the change of scenery and climate would do some good. So, when she was 15 and a half, Rei came home again.

_Their First Meeting_

It was never hot on Mars, but when you lived there all your life, the summer was hot enough for you. It was like Moon's spring, and everything that could be was alive and blooming. Mars still had a lot of volcanic and internal activities, so its specialty was hundreds of warm, healthy, mineral hot springs. Of course, being the princess; Rei had her own private hot spring, a wonderful place in a secluded valley near the palace. It was protected by a high wall, and it was surrounded by a cheerful garden, full of Earth plants – most of the indigenous vegetation was red, so it was not very popular in noble gardens. Wild animals had no way of getting through the palace walls, so the Princess could always have her bath completely uninterrupted, in peace and quiet.

Rei hated it.

It was so… Artificial and nothing like her untamed planet, which she loved with all of her heart.

So, she would sneak out of the walls and away from her useless guard – she was many times stronger then each of them, even in her current weakened state, and only stupid palace rules and protocol made the guards necessary. It was a long hike to her favorite hot spring, so she left her stupid frilly dresses and soft, but impractical satin shoes at the palace. She dressed simply, and no different then thousands of young city girls were in the summer – shorts and a shirt, all cotton and simplicity.

Forty minutes of walking later, she was sweaty and covered in a thin layer of red dust that stuck to everything and needed a bath as much as the relaxation she came here for. She stripped quickly and jumped inside; relishing the wonderful tingling feeling she felt all over her exhausted body.

The water was hot and she was feeling more and more sleepy. Slowly her eyes closed, seemingly of their own volition. Her head was sinking lower every second, and her nose was a mere inch for the water line; when a shout jerked her back to reality. The sudden movement made her lose her balance, and she slipped and went face first into the water. Quickly recovering, but not before swallowing some water, she managed to find her footing again and stood up, water up to her neck.

Rei was furious. There was no dignity in almost drowning! And anyway, who had the audacity of intruding on a princess while bathing? Her head spun around, eyes scanning the surrounding area for the offending presence, when a snort of laughter came from her left. Feeling even redder and more furious, she finally found him.

It was a village boy, dressed as simply as she was. His hair might have been called golden and beautiful had it been introduced to a comb lately, and his face might have been called angelic if it wasn't so red and misshapen in a forceful fit of laughter he was now experiencing. As soon as she saw him, Rei felt she was getting more and more irritated, and that was all before he started talking.

Because then he opened his mouth and said:

'You look like a....' he paused, unable to contain his laughter. 'Like a… drowned rat!'

And that's when Rei knew she hated him.

He hadn't laughed so hard in years.

Ever since his father told him he'll be sorry for leaving one day.

Ever since he told him not to hurt him, that his mother deserved what she was getting, that he was a man, that he should understand.

And now this skinny kid with strange, enticing eyes managed to look dignified and pathetic at the same time. It just kept getting funnier.

When he insulted her, she jumped out of the spring and shot him the darkest look he ever saw – if she wasn't just a scrawny kid, he would have probably been terrified. But this left her non-existent chest open to his view, and when he saw her trying to cover herself up quickly, he had to let his mouth run away with him and get him into even more trouble... as always.

"Relax. It's not like you have anything to hide, kid."

Jadeite could tell she was furious. She changed 2 shades of red in less than one second, and starting mumbling something that sounded like a chant under her breath. He started worrying about her – she must be under a lot of stress to be acting this weird. So he asked tentatively:

"Are you all right? Why are you talking to yourself?"

And that's when he felt the fireball hit him.

_A/N: This chapter is mostly in flashbacks, as you can see.. The next part will deal with the resolution of their relationship and Rei in the present some more._


	6. Chapter 4, part 2

Jadeite was not stupid. He knew that average skinny village girls most certainly did NOT have super powers. Could not singe him this badly with a fireball. They couldn't cast fireballs at all.

So, the only conclusion that left him with..

She was either a very powerful priestess, or a Senshi. And he insulted her. And saw her chest. And insulted that too.

This was not good.

So, he did what came to him naturally, in situations of high stress like this.

He insulted her some more.

**----------**

Rei couldn't believe the nerve of this guy. He didn't seem scared at all! Was she losing her touch?

Scowl: check.

Dark look: check.

Fireball: check.

So why was he still smiling like this? Looking so confident and arrogant?

She knew she should leave; that it didn't become a princess to stand around naked and argue with common boys like this.

But then something unbelievable happened. She started laughing.

That day, when they parted their ways, Rei just happened to mention that she bathed here most days. And that she will wear a bathing suit, from now on.

**---------**

Slowly, they became friends. They both had a lot of issues, which they never talked about... Except here and there, accidentally, in broken sentences and strained voices.

But they understood each other. They didn't feel so alone and worthless.

Having a friend changed them both; in body and spirit. Rei finally became the woman she was promising to be all along. Her looks greatly mirrored that interior change; and she _blossomed_.

Soon she was being hailed as one of the most beautiful women in Silver Millennium, but id didn't matter to Rei. She never went anywhere, unless she absolutely had to, and then she hurried back. Everything she had to live for and loved was on Mars – her country, her people, her grandfather, and... Her best friend.

**--------**

Love didn't come quickly for them. There was no sweeping each other of their feet, no lightning strikes. It crept up on them; slowly, quietly, and didn't let them know about it until it was too late. In a sense, they were both overwhelmed with a great sense of loss; because what they needed most in this world was a friend. Love complicated everything, and there was no more unconditional understanding between them.

They began to find out how easily you can get hurt when you love someone that way; one simple misunderstood word could lead to days of misery and fighting. Rei felt she couldn't tell him everything anymore; the risk of being the one who cares more, the one who will get hurt – the risk was too great. She knew love should be free and not a game, and she shouldn't be afraid this way; but it just couldn't be that way for her and Jadeite. Too proud, too passionate. 

So, their love was not selfless and pure, but it was an all consuming fire, and they burned in it.

Rei sometime felt overwhelmed, and like she was losing herself in the whirlwind of their mutual passion, but it couldn't be stopped, not now. She poured everything she had into that fire, and couldn't find anything left to give to the other people who tried to be a part of her life. The other Senshi were all great friends and close, but she was always the distant and mysterious one. She didn't miss their friendship, though. There was no space in her heart to fill.

**---------**

One day, after a particularly heated argument, Jadeite tried to alleviate his frustrations by picking a fight at the local bar.

That evening, as he felt the knife pierce his skin and lodge itself between his ribs, he only thought about his Rei, and how sorry he was that his last memory of her was with that impossible scowl. He wished he made her laugh some more, she was too serious.

And how much he loved her.

He held onto that thought as life slowly seeped out of him.

**---------**

_Excerpts from the diary of Princess Mars, age 21_

**---**

Recently, the colors have been different in my field of vision.  
Before,   
it was a pale light blue and white  
a sparkling rainbow, but  
  
Now, it's just red and black.  
  
I wonder if I'm abnormal.  
I wonder if other people can still see normally...  
This feeling of fear.  
As if I'm drowning within my own feelings.

He's gone.

**---                                                                                                                                        **

People keep calling me, and stopping by, and making me mad. Things are going impossibly bad. All of things just piling in on me, all of them having the same function... They distract me from my real mission. From guarding the Silver Millennium. From guarding me from myself. From not letting the unknown darkness within me consume me.

I can't let it happen. I must be alone.

**---**

_A/N: Next chapter: Minako comes for a visit. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! It's great to see that someone's actually reading this. :)_


	7. Chapter 5

_A/N: Where's the shoujo? One reader asked. Well, it's coming. But:_

_1) __You have to remember this is not Yuri, it's shoujo ai – so I don't think it will include a lot of graphic stuff. More like a lot of angst instead. ;) If anything graphic happens, I'll change the rating to R accordingly. _

_2) __I'm trying for some character development. I never liked stories when Rei and Usagi/Minako just jump into each other's arms shouting „I love you" with no back story. The Jadeite romance was necessary to explain Rei's coldness, and anyway, I like him. _

_Thank you so much for reviewing, it makes me happy and inspired. :)_

------

The ball's that took place in Moon Palace were legendary all through the system. They were glamorous, and graceful, and full of well dressed beautiful people. Good wine flowed like a river through the guests, and Princess Jupiter's one private staff (supervised by her personally) took care of the food – a certain sign of quality.

So Usagi asked herself… Why, oh why were they so boring?

She fidgeted in her seat for the umpteenth time, trying to get herself as comfortable as her corset allowed. She hated the damned thing with a passion. You really couldn't eat wearing it (and Makoto's cooking too... It was such a shame), and it made sitting an almost impossible task. Sure, her waist looked fragile and frighteningly slim and her breasts much more then the actually were... But who cared, now that Rei was on Mars again?

Usagi sighed, frustrated. Rei was always on Mars. Always, always. And every time she actually had to attend to her; her Princess and sovereign, she acted like it was some cruel and unusual punishment she had to gracefully endure. So far away… Too far away to hold…

The last 2 years were even worse. Rei went from distant to cold, from composed to completely unemotional. Usagi didn't know what to make of the change, and all of her efforts to get close to Princess Mars were easily rebuffed. It... Hurt. It would hurt anyone, but it for someone as affectionate as her was almost impossible to bear... She sighed once more, and started looking around in hopes of distracting herself from her growing dark mood.

Lazily she surveyed the room, every now and then catching someone's eye and watched that person try to hold her attention. She knew she should probably be more social, and she usually was, but it was difficult to keep up this front 100 percent of the time. So she would quickly look away and pretend she hasn't noticed the bowing and smiling in her direction.

There she was. The Goddess of Love, or at least lust; Usagi thought. Minako was adored and fawned upon everywhere she went. She wasn't even the most beautiful of the Senshi – Rei's exotic beauty and Michiru's endless grace probably beat her in the looks department. But there was something about her... Something that made grown men turn into drooling babies without any pride left. And Minako was obviously having the time of her life... As always, Usagi thought sullenly. Sometimes she wanted to be the Venus Princess. Rei would probably notice her poor attempts at seduction them... If only she had all that raw sexual energy!

Her laughter tinkled like a thousand bells. Her entire body radiated with inviting promises of good times to be had, and fun, always such fun. Usagi tried to remember when was the last time she saw her with a frown, or depressed. She really was amazing, the Senshi of Love. After what happened... After her brother died in such a way... Usagi shivered. Minako was really strong. _'She's just... Perfect',_ Usagi thought with a touch of envy. She was just lucky that she didn't seem to like girls, especially Rei. Minako was not good competition.

She was interrupted in her reverie when she saw Mamoru coming her way. He was a true breath of fresh air in her life. Fun to be around, and good, and forgiving. Usagi still felt a bit guilty after ending their engagement in such a way, and him being so understanding didn't help. She waved enthusiastically – maybe the party won't be such a drag after all.

Only then he noticed he was dragging a very scary looking Hotaru by the hand, and looking pretty smug about it. Wait – Hotaru at a _party_? Stranger things might have happened, but this was pretty close. How did Mamoru ever manage it? And why?

They sat down next to her, Hotaru shooting daggers at the whole room. She was dressed in one of her gothic looking black satin dresses, and as the only person present wearing black stood out from the crowd. _Just like a black sheep in a white herd_, Usagi mused.

"Doesn't Hotaru look lovely tonight, Princess Serenity? I think black suits her very well; with her elegant pale skin and dark eyes", Mamoru suddenly said.

There was a long silence, where Mamoru looked happy with himself, Hotaru like she wanted to strangle him (or herself), and Usagi looked on confusedly. Then all of it suddenly made sense – him mentioning Hotaru so frequently in conversations, and visiting her, and how well he took the ending of their engagement. _Could be that... he liked Hotaru? And did Hotaru like him?_

All of her matchmaking instincts woke up at that moment. Maybe she couldn't do anything for Ami, but this could really work! She decided to keep a close eye on Hotaru for the rest of the evening to see exactly what she was dealing with here.

-------

Minako was hundreds of miles away, running through the bright gardens of her pasts, like a child, her yellow summer dress billowing behind her. Her small bare feet gently treaded the grass, leaving no footprints, no proof she was ever there. Was she ever there? Was there really ever a time when she was so happy? Or the past was just a refuge her mind has created so she could have somewhere to go... When she couldn't endure her punishment any longer?

It was the worse thing she could do to herself, so she did it. It was her carelessness and shallowness that had caused her brother's death, so she lived in that moment forever. She became that person, and relived her guilt and shame and pain over and over again. Nobody saw her like she really was, enveloped in her pain like a soft fur cloak, wallowing in it, relishing it, not letting it go or lessen even for a moment.

Each shiny smile she bestowed on her surroundings cut her like a knife, but she continued, and knew she must never stop, because he was gone. Her parents kept reminding her of that, as she could forget, ever. It was all her fault, they'd tell her, and he was the light of their lives, the smart one, and the good one. Now she was all that was left, and she better be the perfect princess, and it should have been her and not him. She... felt like screaming again... But instead she flashed another dazzling smile to the suitor closest to her, making everyone else jealous and striving to beat him and become her favorite.

It was so sad, she thought. All the Senshi should have been perfect, and should have led perfect lives. After all, they were blessed with everything. They were beautiful, each in her own special way, and so powerful, and rich, and intelligent. Hotaru was the Senshi of Death and Destruction, with countless deaths and rebirths behind her, and each had left its mark. Michiru and Haruka ostracized for their love, for it was forbidden for the Senshi to love each other... In fear they would put their love's life in front of their Princess. Setsuna was timeless, and that meant alone. Makoto didn't trust men or herself when it came to them, to often the fell just for her looks and power. So she locked away her heart and made herself and Ami miserable. And Rei…

Even the one who should have been the happiest among them, Princess Serenity, was miserable.

Did she really love Hotaru? Endymion seemed so sure, but all her instincts kept telling her it was wrong, that she loved Rei. But... They were not infallible. They might be wrong. Maybe this was just her subconscious trying to punish her some more, trying to take away the only chance for happiness she could ever have. Only this time, she wanted to fight. She couldn't continue like this, not for long, anyway. Every cut she inflicted on herself got deeper, and more dangerous. Somehow she felt Rei was her only chance to survive, only chance to salvation…

She tracked Usagi down and was thrilled with what she saw. Usagi was talking with Endymion and Hotaru, and looking at Hotaru with such attention and wonder that it was difficult not to believe that she was not in love with her any more. Her heart started beating even faster, and a bright beam of light pierced her dark heart at that moment. The girl in the yellow sun dress of her childhood turned around, and smiled at her.

She knew what she must do. She would go to Mars. She would go to Rei.


	8. Chapter 6

It was Minako's first time on Mars, and she found it as different from her fantasies as day was from night. It wasn't romantic in the conventional way as Venus was, it was... harsh. The red planet wasn't warm or gentle, and the cruel wind made her skin burn and tingle in minutes. For the first time she felt she could really connect Rei, mysterious and cold Rei, with her home planet. It was more then red; it was more then passion – it was survival of the fittest and no mercy for all the rest.

She'd told no one of her plans; so there was no one to greet her or take her bags. Now, seeing what the weather and sand was like, she regretted it, but still decided to take the long hike from the transport pillars to the Palace alone... As waiting in the cold wind seemed worse. Pretty soon she was lost and frozen to her toes, and couldn't see any of the strange beauty of Mars she'd seen earlier. She sat in the desert angrily: "If Rei's really anything like her planet, maybe I should just forget about her…" knowing she didn't mean it even as she thought it.

Soon she gave up and contacted the palace with her compact, and sat there on her bags, looking and feeling miserably. She also had a distinct feeling Rei will be irritated by her careless and stupid behavior. While Minako understood (and did) stupid things often, for all the wrong reasons, as did everyone else... Rei wasn't like that. She was above that kind of behavior... Although, certainly not above being angered and frustrated by it, Minako thought sourly.

She was getting more and more cold; and even worse – bored. Her eyes were glued to the horizon, but dust was all there was to see. Everything was red, and was tiring her more and more. Finally, everything went dark and she just couldn't force herself to hold her eyes open any more.

It seemed like days have gone by; but it must have been mere hours in reality. The mysterious deep violet eyes of her dreams were hovering over her; and it was all it took to bring her completely to her senses. It was obvious Rei was angry at her; so she jumped at her feet with the biggest smile she could muster.

"Rei! So nice to see you… I missed you, and you haven't been to the Moon Court in a while... " Minako said enthusiastically. She was met by a cold look that stopped her in her tracks.

"This is the second time I hear this today. Is the whole blonde population of the Silver Millennium like this, or am I just blessed?" Rei said sarcastically.

Minako's heart froze.

* * *

It was just as she suspected – Usagi was there, along with Mamoru and Hotaru. Minako had no idea why she was here, or how she managed to drag Hotaru along; but the presence of the other senshi gave her wounded heart hope. Perhaps they were all here on a whim, out of boredom, but it still almost made her cry out in despair of the unfairness of it all. No private time with Rei now, and it seemed that all this unannounced visiting put Rei in a really bad mood. Everyone knew how she valued her privacy, and it was obvious that only her loyalty to her monarch was keeping her from kicking them out. 

Dinner was a tense affair. Usagi tried to fill the silence with random chatter, but Mamoru was the only one responding to her efforts. Minako stole glances at Rei as often as she could, and her love seemed more distant every time she looked; if that was possible. She fell deeper and deeper in the clutches of despair. A fantasy of taking the sharp knife in front of her and dragging it across her pale and clammy skin replayed itself over and over again in her mind, but she didn't dare, not in front of everyone.

So… She drank. A lot. Mars was famous for its wine – it was as red and fiery as everything here seemed to be. The whole dinner seemed to pass in a haze and soon she found herself chatting merrily with Usagi and Mamoru. They started sharing the wine, and nobody even noticed when Rei and Hotaru made her excuses and left.

The palace was quiet, and the only sound heard besides the two blondes' slurred chatter was the thump Mamoru's head made as he collapsed on the table. They took this as a sign to stop drinking for a while and go for a walk. The night air did little to clear their heads, but Minako was suddenly very much aware that she was alone with Usagi, and the thought made her very uncomfortable. She wanted to ask her about Rei so badly she had to pinch herself to stay quiet.

The silence was more and more unbearable, and unwelcome thoughts of her brother started to fill her head as always. Her drunken will was too weak to fend them of, and she felt her nails draw blood from her palm. She thought Usagi too drunk to notice, but her shocked gasp told her otherwise.

Slowly, she forced her hand open and wiped away the blood with her own sleeve. The gesture somehow made Minako feel disgusted at herself; for receiving help and sympathy from someone she was supposed to protect, and who was perhaps her greatest rival. Clear and wide blue eyes staring at her made her realize her twisted she was, and that her innocence was long gone. Who was she kidding trying to find love and happiness? And how could she even imagine she deserved it more than this pure creature standing in front of her?

She snatched her hand back, and broke into a run, stifling a scream. It was coming, all the grief and loathing, and she could have no outlet while she was here. Soon her legs gave out and she crumpled to the floor, a broken heap. A hand touched her cheek, and she heard Usagi say, quietly but authoritatively: "Tell me".

Her voice was quivering, and her eyes had a strange crazed light to them; yet the compulsion to obey was too strong, so she started talking.

"It was rainy then. The worst weather I've ever seen; I think, and it's been years… You wouldn't know, being the princess and everything; but it was very hard being 14 and a Senshi. Being a Senshi leader was even harder. While all the other girls had their first loves, and giggled, and wore pretty dresses and went to dances... I was all muddy and always practicing... We all were. It was not very glamorous then... We had to become strong enough, and do it soon. The outers were needed at the border, and we had to become what we already were in name: your guards, your best (and only needed) protection.

So, here I was, destined to be one of the most powerful people in Silver Millennium, and I envied every single serving girl in the palace. Because it was so hard... I wanted dresses, and to play, and to flirt with boys. I wanted it so much - it seemed so important then; like my life would just end if I couldn't have it!"

"Please, Minako, don't be so hard on yourself... You were only 14! I was exactly the same at that age! "

"But you had the right to be that way! Even at that age, I should have known better. Even at that age; I shouldn't have been that shallow and selfish. You see... It was this kind of behavior that killed my brother. I killed my brother..."

I won't cry, Minako thought to herself. _I don't deserve even that relief..._

Usagi had no such qualms. „Minako-chan..." Her tears fell like crystals, watermarks on her skin.

"My brother loved me very much. He was 5 years old when he died, and I was the world to him. Only... I never had the time, or will to spend any time with him. I had so little free time, and I spent it all on my equally superficial and selfish spoiled friends. When I remember... How many times he followed me around, showing me all kind of things he made and drew, trying to make me proud of him..." She stopped for a time, stared at the distance, her eyes still dry and dull.

"I always wanted to get rid of him, so I kept promising to go swimming with him at the near by lake, always the next day. One day he wouldn't stop following me and my friends, so I told him to go there without me and wait for me; that I would come soon. I guess he got tired of waiting for me at one moment, and went swimming by himself. He drowned…

I wanted to die, then. I learned my lesson, but the price was too high…"

The princess was openly sobbing now, and barely managed to say:

"I'm so glad you decided to live... I'm so glad you found the strength to carry on…"

"You misunderstand me. It is not my will to live that made carry on. It is because... There are worse things than death…"

There was something in Minako's voice, something sharp and dangerous that stopped Usagi from saying anything else. So it was with this thought they parted and went to sleep.


End file.
